On fear…

I'm planning to confront some fears that have been holding me back, and this trip feels like the right opportunity for me to do so. It's wild to realise how fortunate I am to worry about things like failure, making mistakes, being judged while others face genuine life-or-death situations. I'm not downplaying these fears they are real in their own way but it helps me put things into perspective.

I’ve noticed that l often make my fears bigger than they are. Recently I found myself thinking, "Seriously? Is this what I was so afraid of and centred all my life around?" I still feel the crippling fear while doing things that scare me. Sometimes, the discomfort is paralysing, depending on how deep-rooted that fear is.

When I first arrived in Thailand, even though I've been here before and am somewhat familiar with the surroundings, I genuinely thought I was going to die every day for weeks. Imagining the worst things possible, either getting into some accident, or even thought I had cancer because of some numbness I was feeling. Seriously...? I a went to see a doctor, and with a gentle smile, he told me that I needed to relax, that everything is fine.

I might’ve started doing too many things that were beyond my control at once, and perhaps this stress overwhelms my body if not managed properly. A monk I came across, said something like: “You know..it's difficult to get sick when you re happy” and that really stayed with me.

I remember thinking, how ironic would it be to check out now, just as I'm starting to discover what brings me joy. And how did I become so fearful of the very change I've been craving?

I'd be begging for a change, waiting for this moment, and suddenly, my mind is playing tricks to avoid this change. I thought back to my last time here, two years ago. I had the best time and had no doubt that I'd be fine. It became clear to me that I was creating this inner turmoil myself with my own thoughts and that I needed to do something, so they don't spiral out of control.

I don't think all fears need to be addressed through dramatic actions though, fears that seem big because we've made them that way can often be overcome through self-reflection, and doing so empowers us. Some fears are necessary to keep us safe and allow for growth. For example, if someone fears dying alone, they might put in the effort to be a friendly person, to understand others, to build strong connections to avoid that from happening.

Fear has guided me in different ways over the years. I remember being so little, worrying about ending up in regret because of not having pursued my dreams or lived a fulfilling life.

Now, whenever that pops into my head, it reminds me why I'm doing what I'm doing and makes other fears seem much smaller. ッ